Gap

I have come to despise this gap.  This gap that exists between what I know and what I do not know.

I leave meetings or conversations wishing I had studied more, or listened better or reacted faster.

I dwell on the conversations just ended.  The one where I raised my voice a little more than I wanted and said a little more than I should.  I wonder had I thought of scripture or had I offered grace, would it have ended differently.

I hear the friend on the other end of the line.  Desperately sad.  I want to pour out myself to fill that void with joy.  I ache with all my heart.  I want to bandage.  I want to heal.

Gaps, they are all around.

There are these huge vast spaces, between what we know is good and what we see as evil.

Somewhere in the middle we stand or we kneel.  We weep or we wonder and prepare ourselves for the next time.  The next headline or the next heartache.

For a half century, I have busied myself.  More scripture, yes.  More prayer, definitely.  Perhaps, more self-discipline and definitely more self-doubt.

Weariness has crept up in these years, but never the fight, it does not seem to tire.

I work through the same feelings I have had a thousand times before, but this time, this single time, a thought captures me I have rarely pondered.

Perhaps my not enough is exactly how He made me.

Perhaps this gap is a holy hole.

This thought, this confession, brings the fleeing of recrimination and the invitation to redemption.

For the first time in too long of time, the thoughts of not enough swallow sweet instead of bitter.

Emptiness, hunger, sadness, suffering, I fight each and every one thinking they are misplaced, misgiven, mistakes.

It is exactly those uninvited thoughts that invite Him.

It is in suffering, I have found joy.

It is in hunger, I have seen abundance.

It is in the deepest sadness, I have felt His presence. It is in the loneliest, most empty moments, I have met grace.

I get so busy blaming the devil, I miss the message of mercy.

“The same God who takes care of me will supply all our needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” Phil 4:18

Jesus, He is undeniably the gap filler.