Devotion 380 - Hands

I realize she is my fourth and probably my final.

Before too long she won’t reach for my hand to cross the street or look in stores.  Pretty soon, with age and wisdom, she will cross and shop without the benefit of my hand.

I had not really thought about this until one recent morning.  We parked in our familiar school parking lot, we walked to our familiar school door and we strolled to our familiar class placing Ava’s snack in our familiar cubby.  What was not familiar was Ava’s fist in my hand instead of her five supple fingers outstretched and laced in mine.

I asked her why a fist.  She laughed and said, “In case I need to let go.”

I didn’t understand nor contemplate her philosophy until I felt my own hand become a fist.

For months I have feared the unraveling of a business relationship my company literally depends upon.  For months I have attempted to insulate myself with a barrier of what –ifs.

You see I would like to believe when I extend my hands, I seek the heart of Jesus.  But, I am brutally learning I tend to grasp on to what I can see and what I can touch; the things that build my courage and perhaps my sense of security. But then one of those things I have so tyrannically held onto lets go and suddenly my hand is filled with nothing but my fingers and I clench both fear and frustration.

No one had prepared me for this; and I realize I have to let go. I let go of the white knuckled grasp I have had on my business, on my children, on my marriage, all the vestiges of my life that felt impenetrable and secure. I released my clenched and grasp the shame of it.

Until this moment, I would have told you I had surrendered everything to God. I was confident I had given myself wholly and completely to Jesus, but I was wrong. And I couldn’t see it, until I looked through open fingers.

Sometimes a heart is hidden by a clenched fist. We have to learn to be ready to let go.  We hold it open and we hold it up. We empty ourselves and the Holy Spirit fills.

He reminds us that the things we so fiercely held are gifts given. They are unwrapped for a time but never were their glory meant to replace His.

I glance in the mirror of my soul; it is vastly different now. There is room, room for Him, for His reflection and His sovereignty.  Taking something away means even with the price of pain and fear, means more of Him.  

Why would I withhold the blessing of His will?

I glance at my hands.  Hands open means hands that can praise, hands that can surrender, hands unchained from the whims of this life. 

I realize I am not good at this, not good at releasing control or surrendering, but the very act ushers in something profoundly better and freeing and wonderful.  He is still God, He is still incredibly good and I can trust when I cross the street of insecurity He is there.

He lights the path of places I have not yet gone because of self sufficiency. I venture into a land of freedom. It is good. It is holy and it is truly where I want to live.

 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  James 1:2-6