Tears

It’s a candy cane striped towel so i started to keep it next to my sink. It seemed right to bring it out of the drawer this time of year. I look at it and smile.  It was a gift from family, my sweet cousin. She came when Daddy went home and brought it with a story.

Her daddy was my daddy’s brother.  In between the two of them another boy. That middle boy left too soon and hit both remaining boys square in the center of their hearts.

She found her daddy up in his office.  She already a grown woman watched as her daddy cried into a dish towel because sometimes only something big can hold so many tears. She showed up with a dish towel for me.  We love big in our family and we cry big as well.

Now I dry dishes and I dry tears all in the same moment. 

This crying, this watering of the soul.  It is both hard and dark but it seems to grow something deep within.

This will be my first Christmas without Daddy, but something I never expected is happening.  It is a fondness, a renewed cherished, heaven- sent fondness for what has been and what is yet to come.

I think about God letting go of His son.  I think about letting go of Daddy. I think about children growing up and their adventures yet to come. I think about Christmas and Daddy not in his chair. I think long about him spending time with Mama and Jesus and I pray for my children to know the peace that salvation brings.

I wish I could bottle it and hand it to them but peace like this comes from living, loving and dying and crying.

Tears of joy and sorrow seeking wonder and sewing hope.