Devotion 396 - Hold

I found it under an embarrassing large pile of stuff.

Finally I was cleaning my closet.  A dozen months of procrastination had finally culminated into a full day of boxing, bagging and cleaning.

I found the book hidden under a stack of others.  I had saved it hoping it would never get lost.  Of the hundreds of books I have read to my children, this little book is one of our favorites.  I had taken it out last year and probably the year before but my littlest daughter shook her head with an emphatic, “No.”

She didn’t seem to embrace it like my older daughter had so it went back on the shelf, waiting.

This was the day. I pulled it out and rested it on the nightstand. When nap time came, I reassured her as I had done the year that she would, “love it.”

This time I was right.

It is the sweetest of stories.  A tiny little girl has a dear friend named “Blue Kangaroo.”

Blue Kangaroo goes everywhere with the little girl and her affection for her little friend is quite evident. Towards the middle of the story, we find Blue Kangaroo has thoughts and affections of his own, particularly when his place in the little girl’s heart is challenged.

Through a series of visitors and a birthday party, the little girl receives a handful of other friends. Each one takes a place in her heart and in her bed until Blue Kangaroo is far off to the side.

Night after night as the list of new friends grow, Blue Kangaroo expresses his worries and sadness. Until finally his little mind writes, “there’s just no room for me anymore.”  And he rolls off the side of the bed.

Magically Blue Kangaroo finds his way to little brother’s bed.  In a desperate search the next morning, the little girl finds the Kangaroo and a fight ensues. Finally and much to the reader’s joy, Blue Kangaroo is exchanged from the little brother’s grasp for all the toys that had taken his place.

Blue Kangaroo regains his rightful spot in the little girl’s bed and heart and “Blue Kangaroo falls fast asleep in her arms.”

Ava asked me to read it over and over again.  She loved the Blue Kangaroo and she adored his heroic return.  I admit I do too.

We want a happy ending, we want to know everything will be okay, and we want things and people and precious parts of our hearts to stay in the order they were meant to be.

Only they don’t. The thing we hold most dear gets shoved to the side, until it is desperately needed.

At times the Spirit of God can seem like our very breath.  He exhales our pain and with him we inhale the promises of joy. But then life gets in the way. It is the newness of self sufficiency that comes first, then followed by control and pride. They sweep in and show us what we can do in spite of our perceived weaknesses. We don’t seem to need anything or anyone. We have it all, until the unthinkable happens.

And we wonder where our first love has gone.

We wonder if what we held will still hold us.  And we wonder if He is listening when we whisper agony in the middle of the night.

In the face of death, will the promise of heaven hold?

In the grips of despair, will hope guide us?

In the ugly and dirt of sin, can we discover the cleansing of forgiveness?

It seems our view has dimmed as if looking through a foggy window. He is there, we somehow know He is there, but He is unrecognizable as we have pushed Him so very far away.

We thought we were helping Him, doing for ourselves, counting on ourselves, motivating ourselves to do what was right and perhaps even Holy, but never asking or waiting or even resting, just doing…

But then the things that we held most dear crash around us and we scurry to find and hold and hear the dearest One.

The search ends quickly because of course, He is still there, pushed to a corner, yes, but never, ever gone.

We pull Him in and push away all the good of what we held for the glory that He holds.

It is scary at first. It is once again just Him and me.  We think He needs us. Truly, He doesn’t. It is so much better; He WANTS us.

Imagine.  The Creator of the Universe, the Giver of Life, the Forgiver of our stupidity and sin, WANTS us.

I remember how much I wanted Him.

I want Him again; ten if not a hundred fold. For the first time in so very long I can exhale.  I can release the fragile stack of sufficiencies I held so tightly and feel strong in His strength.

I am nothing.

With Him, I have everything.

For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you.   Isaiah 41:13